Branded With Love

So I hated that my mom was the spiritual push and I hated God. “Wow, did my pastor just say that?” Yes. Yes I did. For most of you reading this at some point you or someone you know has been there too.

I didn’t think God cared for me. I went to church as a little kid and heard about “God’s love and protection,” but I never felt it. Ever. I actually felt the opposite. I felt like God had abandoned me. Que the crappy reality I never faced or told anyone about until a year ago…

It was first grade at my first elementary school here in Virginia Beach. The teacher (who will remain nameless) was big on showing film strips to teach. I loved those little projectors with the reel and cassette tape that you had to turn on at the same time or the whole video looked like it should have subtitles. So she ques up the video, turns down the lights and returns to her desk.

I sat next to Monica. Monica was a little African-American girl who lived in an apartment in Plaza with her 6 siblings, mom, dad and grandmother. She was nice and that’s all I really knew about her. As the video began, she turned to me and whispered, “Don’t say anything.” I didn’t know what she meant, but I was soon about to find out.

Immediately I found myself in an awkward and uneasy moment. Monica had placed her hand on my leg and then inappropriately touched me. I felt bad. dirty. helpless. I had no clue what to do. So I did what any first grade kid would do who was never talked to about that sort of thing… nothing.

She did this every time a filmstrip would come on and ask me to do the same to her. I remember wondering why God would let me feel that way- because by little body told me it felt good, but I knew in my mind and heart it was wrong. I never said a word. Ever.

It wasn’t until planning for a message on December 20, 2007 that I vocalized it for the first time to my wife. I cried and she consoled me. No kid should ever have to experience that. It kills me to think kids go through that daily across the world. That experience haunted me, I am glad I am free to talk about it now, but it set me on a course of behavior with relationships and sexuality that was out of control.

We’ll pick back up there…

So before I entered the world (crowd applauds) there was my Mom and Dad. Dad was a recovering Catholic/Navy man and my Mom was a church going Protestant/Teacher. A match made in heaven- sort of.

They met in a bar/restaurant on base at White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. They danced, he was apparently a little too charming. She gave him her number (probably not the best call). He calls in the next day or so and their next date was to “church?!” What?

Yep. My mom figured if that didn’t scare him away, nothing would. Three months later they were married and off to tour the world compliments of the Navy stationing them overseas. Upon returning, in 1979 their little bundle of pure hell and torture arrived (yours truly- wink, wink).

Along the way we got stationed here in Hampton Roads, my brother was on his way and so begins the memories… some of which I didn’t want to remember.

As a kid I remember my dad not being around as much. With deployments and traveling, it was pretty much mom at the helm. One time in particular I remember being so angry with my mom for leaving me with my dad. She was in the hospital having my brother and I remember not even wanting to talk to her. I gave her this ridiculous attitude like I had been abandoned. But that’s how I felt. I didn’t really know my dad at the time because he wasn’t anything more than a photo covered in contact paper. Being with him as opposed to mom was pretty unsettling. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and thank God for the Navy job my father had, but if you’re a military family- you know the pain that takes place when separated. It’s so difficult. I wonder what the next generation of kids with parents gone will be like from this war that we’ve been at for so long…

So, my mom was the spiritual push for quite some time- and I hated it. And I hated God.

We’ll talk about that next time.

This photo is just a few of the current ones, but I love Vans. I’ve been wearing their shoes for the past 18+ years. I just love the way they feel on my feet- comfort, but I can still feel the ground underneath me (not walking on a cloud like some of these new shoes out there). It always takes awhile to break in a new pair and it doesn’t get just right until about 2-3 months into wearing them. But then- it’s a little slice of heaven.

You probably have some shoes that you just LOOOOVVEEE. You wouldn’t part with them for anything. My shoes not only are a source of comfort for me, but they each tell their own story.

Each pair of Vans is a moment in time. A reminder of the journey. A flashback. I can look and remember where I was, what happened, and what I wish I could forget. But it’s my history. It’s what has molded me into the man God has here now.

So, here it begins. A daily journey with these old Vans n’ the man who wears them. I’ll open up and share life’s ups and downs as He’s brought me here to this place where I am now a happily married man with a beautiful daughter and an amazing church.

But, life wasn’t always so “peachy keen” and it never stays that way for long. The comforting thing is God never promised a safe and easy journey, but He does promise to be there all along the way. I’m excited and a little nervous to share through this series, but I pray my life may somehow speak to yours.

Until then,
Jason *over and out*

Sharing my thoughts from this morning’s daily Bible reading…

Ever had a week that you just wished would go away? Or maybe you had a week that was filled with some of the coolest events and then packed full with other things that just made it overwhelming. Well, I have had a few of those in my life, but nothing compared to this week Jesus has in Mark 14. Check it out:

• Mark 14:3-9 This woman GETS IT! And she doesn’t care who is around. Jesus defends her worship and the thing that strikes me is, “Anywhere you hear the gospel, you will hear her story as well.” WOW.
• Mark 14:12-26 We watch as Jesus shares an intimate moment. Little do these guys know it would be their last real chance to spend time with Jesus face to face.
• Mark 14:27-30 Can you imagine the hurt in Jesus’ heart? To know your friend will deny your friendship? To call him out and to watch him lie to You?! That must have been a tense moment for them and the rest of the disciples.
• Mark 14:32-41 There they are praying, Jesus pleads with God to stop what is to come and returns an hour later to find them sleeping? Not praying for their master & friend? What a let down. Who falls asleep while they’re praying? (The 2nd guy in this video)
  
• Mark 14:43-65 He’s betrayed by his best friend for 30 pieces of silver, mocked before a court and sent away
• Mark 14:66-72 As all that is happening, Peter does what he said he wouldn’t. 3 times denies his Lord and weeps over what he has done

It makes me evaluate my idea of a “bad week” when I put into perspective what happens here in these few days. Do you ever wonder what was going through Jesus’ mind as all this was taking place? How was he feeling and moving through it all? What were some of the other conversations he had with God during this week?

So last year around the office, it was a battle to see who could guess the winner of American Idol. Well, a new season kicked off last night and I think what’s more enjoyable than picking the winner is watching the auditions. It’s morbid, but I love seeing people who “know” they can’t sing strut themselves up there on “national television” and butcher songs… and then get “upset” when people comment about it.

The show has been on long enough for everyone on God’s green earth to know how the judges react as they critique people in the competition. Last night was no let down and I am sure it will only get better as the season continues.

It’s 12:24 a.m. on Tuesday and it’s finished. I finished the series planning/ sermon schedule for 2009. I taught it a lesson. I kicked it’s butt. I yelled mean things about it’s mom. I am done with the planning. Now on to the writing. I’m pumped about the series’ we’re doing this year. I can leak a few of the titles, but that’s all the teasers you get for now:

• Guerilla Lovers
• &@%#^! Irritated
• My Movie Life 2009
• World Changers
• I Love The 80′s
• School House Rock

2009 is gonna be great. I can see it now as all you Forefronters are going to connect with more of your friends, reach out to foreign countries, visit church plants to aid in their start-up, and turn our community upside down like never before. Until next time,

Jason *over and out*

Was reading my daily news this morning when I came across an interesting article. The Unabomber, “Ted Kaczynski” who was against all modernization of man-kind, is appealing that his possessions, writings, memoirs and such, not be sold on the Internet to pay restitution to the families of his victims.

Two things I would like to ponder…

One: Even with the love of Jesus inside me, this man is loony to think that he has any say at this point over those things from inside a cell. The state can (and will) do whatever they see is best for the case and families involved.

Two: I think it’s great. It’s great that the families will be able to get something even though it in “no way” brings their family members and loved ones back. It will help their grieving and bring them some closure. I also think it’s great because the very thing Ted was against is now being used to bring his saga to a close. Oh the irony.

Have you read the daily reading? Click here for the passage
Want to download the whole year plan? Click here for the pdf

What does it look like to give? I’m not talking crappy Christmas presents, birthday gifts or any of that nonsense- I’m talking REALLY give. To give of ourselves from a depth that is down so far inside of us that everyone around knows our heart.

And I’m not talking money. God provides. God convicts the heart. God will make sure money comes. I’m talking of our heart, love and soul- for people. I watched as this woman in Mark 12 gave her offering (I know it’s a money illustration, but the principle is universal). Look at what Jesus says here about the gift she brings… about how she gives and the state of what she’s bringing to God:

41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

When we give everything we have- mind, heart, soul, possessions, leadership, influence, and the list goes on. God will move. You can count on it.