Question:

Malachi teaches to give 10% to the church. But Colossians tells a wife to obey her husband. If the husband tells the wife to give less of her paycheck to the church because of bills, what should be done?

Answer:

First off, let’s talk about the topic of giving in general. You are right that Malachi talks about a tithe and a percentage. At Forefront, we believe that the New Testament has essentially raised the bar in all areas of life to mirror Jesus and His teaching. We teach “generosity giving” as it pertains to our gifts to God. 10% is great starting off point. But consider this: a waitress is given a tip for quality services rendering during an outing to a local establishment. Their tip usually ranges from 15-25%. If this holds true that we believed someone bringing us food deserves this honor and gift; where should our hearts be with God the Creator? From the span of the teachings in the New Testament, we see that one should give from the heart in a generous manner. What is the percentage? That’s between you and God. Should it be less than 10%? I don’t believe we are to go backwards in what God has called us to do, but forward. Is it a sin to withhold or not give to God at all? Yes. Our spiritual disciplines of praying, connecting with God, reading the Bible, sharing love with others, being a servant in our community and church, giving generously-  these are all things God calls us to do. If we are not living in accordance with scripture, it is indeed a sin.

Now, what to do if your husband is asking you differently? Women are instructed to submit to their husbands in love. Husbands are also to love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her with His own life. As husbands, we are called to live so closely to Jesus that our spouse would have no problem submitting to us. Essentially, our wife would say, “Why wouldn’t I submit to my husband? He loves Jesus so much that it’s a no brainer. He’s such a godly man.” Now, you apparently are not feeling the same way about your husband.

Here is what scripture would say to do. You need to preach wordless sermons and be a 1 Peter 3 wife. Check out what it says in verses 1 and 2:

“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2

Your life needs to be lived in such a way that you could win him over to Jesus through your acts of love, service and submission. This is going to be difficult and a burden. Being married to someone who is not willing to follow the precepts of Jesus is difficult and painful. Now, in living a 1 Peter 3 life as his wife, you also need to submit to him and his wishes in this. As you submit to your husband, know this- He will be the one to answer for his disobedience and sin. As the head of the household, a place given to him by God; he will have to answer for the decisions he’s making in regards to leading his family in Jesus. This is a difficult truth to hear, but these are his actions and as his wife you need to follow him in this.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24

In all of this, love God and remain close to Him. Pray daily that your husband will see that he is in error and needs to repent and turn to God. Also, live a 1 Peter 3 life and daily show him what it means to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.

Question:

How do you come to an agreement on the values for your children?

Answer:

Values can come from life experience, passed down from generations, faith, church, friends, etc. There are a lot of influences out there. You need plumb line by which your values start from. In carpentry, construction, etc. there was a tool early on, still used by some today that was a rope or string with a weight on it. Later it was a ball made from lead. The latin word for lead is plumbum, which is where get the word, plumb line. The tool is used to measure whether or not something is completely vertical. Itʼs the standard by which all other objects are compared to. You and your spouse must come to agreement on what your plumb line is. For my wife and I, itʼs the Bible.

We study the Bible together and learn about how to live for God, and then pass that on to our girls. When we cannot come to an agreement on how the Bible speaks on a certain issue, we pray and ask for counsel from other couples who love God, to get another perspective that we might not be have understood before. It begins to get easier to come together on establishing the values for our children each day. I would encourage you to make Godʼs values your values.

Question:

I finally found a guy who loves God/Jesus more than anything. He lives in Texas now and something happened. I feel abandoned. Heʼs just gone. Iʼm hurt and heʼs oblivious. I need to know why after weeks of him pursuing me and wooing me heʼs done? I feel hurt. Was it truly not part of Godʼs will or is it something deeper than this? He gave me back hope when I had none, and even after he promised me his heart, me pretty much took it back.

Answer:

The point of hurt in all this is not the young man who has in your words “abandoned” you or left you feeling without hope. The point of hurt is where you are finding hope. You said “he gave you back hope when you had none.” Finding our hope, joy, and passion in people or things will ultimately lead to hurt and disappointment. Things will break or eventually fail, and people will disappoint and sometimes leave. God does not fail. He is the ultimate hope that does not disappoint. Jeremiah 29:13 shares this truth, “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be
disappointed.”

Your source of hope has been shifted to something that cannot bring you hope. Your goal needs to be to find hope in who God is and how He loves you. Plus, guys can be pretty insensitive and sometimes clueless (or according to my wife, very clueless a lot of the time).

Question:

How do you address purity with your best friend and accountability partner that really is only sleeping (not having sex) with his girlfriend?

Answer:

This is a tough spot to be in. You love your friend, but in asking this question, you know that there is something amiss here.

First off, I would also say, and this is something that it fairly impossible to sleep in the same bed with someone you are in a committed, loving relationship with and not have sex (unless you’ve been married for years, but that’s a different story). Chances are they’ve had sex or are having sex. My wife and I were dating pretty seriously before we got married. We never “had sex,” but we danced on the porch of it on more than one occasion (and we were not sleeping together in the same bed). Both of us loved Jesus, I was a pastor at the time, and her last name was “Godley” for crying out loud. We were a mess and didn’t tell anyone. Christians make bad decisions like everyone else, and your friends are flirting with danger when it comes to living together.

There are two passages that shed a bit of light on co-habitation. The first is in Corinthians: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; (1 Corinthians 6:18-19) The other is in Ephesians: But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Ephesians 5:3).

I would sit down with your friend, who in an accountability relationship you have an obligation to help them. Share with them these passages and how much you care for them. You love them too much to see them living outside the instruction of the Bible.You both are striving to help one another stay close to Christ. Which I commend you for doing.

The Bible speaks clearly on having accountability. Not in a militant, angry sort of way- but a loving, grace-filled, encouraging way. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 and “And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” Ecclesiastes 4:12. Godʼs counsel is for you to have people in your life who can help you in your journey towards Jesus. Itʼs not to stifle you, itʼs to help you. If you donʼt have this person in place in your life, I suggest you find somebody. It can save from a lot of hurt and grief. Theyʼve given you permission.

Question:

What if you got married without God leading your marriage and you have a kid? If the marriage is failing and you have done what you can is it still a sin to divorce? What about your child?

Answer:

Divorce is either a sin or because of sin. It’s a sin when it is not done for a biblical reason; and the only reason we’re given in scripture is because of adultery. Divorce can be because of sin when one or both partners has acted unfaithfully in their marriage covenant. God speaks on His feelings of divorce in Malachi 2:16, where it says that “God hates divorce.” Does God forgive people when they have divorced? Absolutely. Does God love you and your family through that? Yes, He does. Itʼs very difficult for marriages that start without God. Itʼs not impossible, but it is difficult. The struggle comes when we are trying to force our ways on a relationship that God designed and outlines how it should function. The boundaries that He give us are not to restrict us, but to uplift the bond of marriage and give us direction.

Let me also say that God is always for marriage. Divorce was never meant to happen. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world with people who have the free will do as they wish. They have the potential to be great through God’s grace; while also having the potential to hurt others with poor decisions/behavior. Some steps you can begin to take in this process is pray for/with your husband. Find a couple who faithfully follows God and has a strong marriage, to help you in the process of working on your marriage. Let’s face it, marriage is work. After the honeymoon period, it’s a daily act of both parties involved to make the marriage a priority. As you begin to get closer to God, you’re praying, reading, seeking wise counsel… you may still come to a place where you don’t feel your marriage is salvageable. The pain and hurt that comes from this is part of the consequences of joining together with someone in a bond that God designed without letting God be a part of the process. It’s painful. If you do get divorced, God loves and forgives you. Is it a sin? If neither party has committed the act of adultery, yes it is. Will God’s church still love you and comfort your family? Absolutely.

What about your child? Love your kid with every part of your being. Let them know they are valued and precious to God. Begin a dialogue with them that let’s them know the things happening in your marriage have NOTHING to do with them. It’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything wrong, mommy and daddy are working on some things and they both still love you very much, etc.

If you’re reading this and you’re not married… some words of advice:

• First and foremost, pursue someone who loves God as much or more than you do.
• Keep a friendship going as long as possible, allow yourself to begin in this stage. It will help you in the long run.
• When you begin dating, set boundaries according to God’s word. Remember fellas, she’s a gift from God- treat her like a queen.
• When you do decide to get married, don’t move in together first. This leads to more problems than it’s worth and most relationships do not end well after moving in together, contrary to cultural beliefs.
• Get premarital counseling. It helps set your marriage up for success.
• Talk about your goals, dreams, and aspirations together. If you’re both thinking of completely different lives, that is something to know in advance, before things get too heavy.

Question:

What about single parents? How do we set such an example?

Answer:

Being an example, while also allowing your children to see your mistakes. Explaining Godʼs love in the midst of and through our shortcomings is one of the greatest ways to teach our kids. We need to be aware and discerning as to how much we share, but
sharing is better than sheltering (as discussed in a previous question). Also, be intentional about having other people in the lives who love God and can mentor them (male/female mentors who love Jesus).

One of the great things about the church, is being able to count on adults who follow Jesus to help with teaching your kids and showing them a Goldy example of what it means to live for Him. Utilizing the Children’s and Student Ministries is a great way to make sure your kids are connecting with adults in a  positive way. Remember, you’re doing a great job with what you’ve been given. God entrusted those kids to you- follow Him and make it great!

Question:

How can you get someone to leave you alone, when they are not right for you?

Answer:

I would begin to place yourself in a position to not be around this person. Don’t knowingly place yourself in a situation where the two of you will come into close interaction. If it begins to escalate into a stalker, single-white female kind of scenario… two words: restraining order.

I know it sounds a little harsh, but in a fallen world, sometimes people act out and their actions are inappropriate. If this does get to that point, don’t allow yourself to be alone in places where they guy (or girl) would show up and cause a scene and/or do something harmful to retaliate from the restraining order.

Question:

How can I teach my daughter something that I, myself am just learning? i.e. prayer, stories of the Bible, much less actual lessons of Godʼs love.

Answer:

Be transparent!!!! Let her know that you are learning this TOGETHER. It’s okay to be walking side by side on the journey. You are still the authority and can lead her accordingly when you see God’s Word being violated …. as long as you are willing to
admit and apologize when you fail to obey God as well. In working with students and their parents for 8+ years, I noticed the kids who were a bit more grounded- were ones whose parents shared with them (the good, bad, and ugly). Part of sharing is also being discerning as to what details to leave in and what details to leave out. But, the new rule seems to be sharing over sheltering.

Let your daughter see you, as a flawed, but forgiven mother. From there, remind her you’re still her mother and as you move on this journey together, she is to respect you as God’s word instructs children.

Question:

How do families instill honor in their homes?

Answer:

First off, there needs to be a zero tolerance for disrespectful mouths, attitudes, and actions- Across The Board. This means that it’s not just Johny and Suzie who need to get their act together, but Mom and Dad as well. We cannot act in such a way that is contrary to what we are teaching our children. If we desire and long for honor being a staple in our homes; this ZERO tolerance is a big first step (with everyone).

Second, plan out some specific consequences for disrespectful mouths, attitudes, and actions. These actions depend upon the parent. Some people use a jar system of placing/taking away items from the jar when a child acts in a way other than the Bible and homes values. I would suggest, if multiple kids, making this jar a communal one. That way the children begin to see that their actions do not just impact them, but the entire group. If they are older, this can get into grounding, time outs, spanking (without anger), taking away privileges, etc. All kids are different, so it will take some trial and error to see what works for your kid best to get the point across. Remember this isn’t just punishment, it’s a teaching moment. Keep that in mind when coming to a decision with discipline.

Finally, take time to reward your children when honor is shown. For a small child, reward with a special privilege. If it’s a teenager, reward with your trust to let them do things like stay out later, etc. Begin building those bridges in other areas so they understand how honor works. But remember, it’s a process and does not happen over night.

During this series “Prepare For Launch,” we discussed raising children and the marriage relationship. We asked people to text/email/write down questions during the series. On the final week of the series, we did Live Q&A with questions coming in on the fly. Whatever we did and did not get to- we announced we’d be answering here on the blog.
Every.
Single.
Question.
No stone unturned.
Sleeves rolled up and ready to get down and dirty.
In the words of the great urban poet, “Do Work, Son.” -Christopher “Big Black” Boykin
On that note, onto the questions…

Question:

“Just because Iʼm married, does that mean my husband has the right to do anything sexually to me he wants?”

Answer:

Ephesians 5:21 says “Submit yourselves ONE to ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ.” Taking something that isn’t being offered willingly doesn’t match up to this verse. Our goal as spouses should be to consider one another before we just take for ourselves. The nature of Jesus is to act without selfish ambition. Taking something without considering someone else is inappropriate and ungodly.

Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” The point here is DYING TO SELF. If your wife is uncomfortable with something, it would be Christ-like to over-ride your selfish desire for the sake of her comfort and well-being. Communication about this is key. Begin to talk about sex, what is alright, what is off limits, and respect those boundaries that you’ve put in place. At any time during the course of this agreement it can be revisited if one or both people in the marriage feels uncomfortable with something. It should remain a fluid agreement.

On a side note, man to man- any guy who is pressuring his wife to do things she is not comfortable in doing is a coward at best. As men, we are to follow Jesus and treat women with the respect and honor God teaches us they deserve. Your wife is a creation of beauty, treat her as such.