So, things are settling down now, up it’s been feeling pretty end over end, like being caught the the currents lately. With friends failing, juggling the preaching of two churches, managing one staff, being there when needed to coach another, dealing with my own personal pain with everything. I have been a hot mess.

I don’t say that to garner sympathy or paint anything about myself other than to simply state, “S*** happens.” It’s tough. It’s difficult. We’re never promised this life in a broken world will be anything other than tough. But, we have a hope & promise. It’s that hope & promise in a risen savior that gets me up and keeps me going.

Yesterday, in trying to climb out of all that mess, my computer completely died. I mean dead, dead. After shutting my office door, with tears in my eyes I literally and out loud asked God, “Really? I’m trying here, but really? Did I do something to deserve all of this and then this unexpected but not-so-welcome cherry on top?!” So, I spent from Wednesday morning at 8:30am to 4:00pm on tech support calls trying to fix my laptop, and when it was all said and done- it died again.

Spent the evening & next morning working out the kinks, and I think I have it running close (which is good because replacing it isn’t in the budget for Casa de Bedell). Worked through my message at the office, had some good interaction with staff, which helped my day a little bit, and headed home. Had dinner, but was stil feeling pretty low.

Then, I got my new Moleskine notebook in the mail today! Wasn’t expecting that. Then UPS pulls up, my phone case came in today! Wasn’t expecting that. Wow, day is looking up. Bathed, PJs, prayed, and tucked my girls in. Watched an episode of the Walking Dead w/ Carrie (she’s getting into it now). And, as it wrapped up, I was thinking…

“God, I know I don’t give you enough credit, but sometimes I pray you would just show up in bigger ways than these little deliveries. It’s cool, but it’s little stuff. Things. Just things. They don’t mean much. I really haven’t heard you ‘speak speak’ right to my core in a couple weeks. I wish you’d just do something to grab me a shake me so I’d know you were interacting with this difficult time in my life. C’mon! Get to shaking.”

I had not really checked my phone since I’d been home. But I went to put the new case on, and accidently opened up the phone. It opened up directly to Twitter. Wait, “I haven’t been on Twitter for my phone today since lunch time, and I’ve done all sorts of things on it since then. Why open to Twitter.” And it didn’t just open to Twitter, but to @CatalystLeader’s link to their live feed. Hmmm, that’s weird. And a little disheartening, since we’ve been to Catalyst every year, bought tickets this year, but got them refunded because the church is low on funds. So, I clicked it. And, well…wow.

Gungor was leading worship for the 12,000+ people in attendance. Then, came out Francis Chan. It really didn’t matter who it was, but God was about to not only answer my prayer, but kick me in the backside for 35 minutes. It was on “making disciples.” And the thing that stuck out above all was this quote,

“Maybe you aren’t feeling the spirit because you aren’t making disciples.”

Ouch. With all the junk. All the stuff. All the failures around me and all the things in me God is continually changing to make me more like Him, but I had been focused on me. My pain. My hurt. My helping of others. Ever been there? Helping others but the help is more about how it makes you feel and less about the real reasons you should be helping people? Just me? Oh, nevermind then.

But God has equipped me with the Holy Spirit and His power to boldly proclaim to others of Jesus and build disciples. To make disciples. He imparted us with this gift to… make disciples. Share the news. Share the love. I’m reminded, that when I humbly serve others is when God pours into me the most. When I am weak, He is strong. When I surrender, He gives me power to overcome. It’s by His grace, His love, His mercy, His power that I am free. I am able to battle back against any personal failings or friends falling or church stuff, or lack of finances, or extra burdens to carry. He’s enough.

And, I feel it when I’m most connected with Him… through sacrificing myself for others with a humble heart to make disciples. Period.

I didn’t need a Catalyst livstream speaker to tell me those truths. I know those truths. But, I wasn’t recalling them in my pitty party. And God, faithful to answer, listened to my prayers and say “Bad day? Well, I’m faithful. So, shut up because I never left.” Now, I know some of you don’t think God would say such a thing, but that’s putting it mildly. He groans over our selfishness. And, in my wallowing, I needed a good sit down with the Father to remind me my role and why I don’t feel Him as much in certain moments.

God thanks for answering my prayers.
And for making me shut up long enough to just listen.
(and providing me a new notebook to take notes in *grin*)
Amen.

*My notes are here.