These Ol’ Vans: #14

January 26, 2009 in In My Shoes with 8 Comments

I was glad to leave the young man and his dog as a memory and move on to other things. In the many years of doing student ministry I dealt with other people’s issues like: suicide, divorce, homosexuality, abuse (verbally and physically), sexual addiction, pornography, liars, alcoholics, cynics, angry parents, and the list goes on.

I NEVER thought I would be exposed to that, but I should have known better. In my Christian life, I’ve had a handful of mentors. Of that handful, all but one have left ministry. 4 of the men who really poured into my life ended up leaving the church because they slept with women in the church, prostitutes, or students. Out of control. “Is this really God’s church?!” I thought over and over in my head. So stepping into ministry I knew I would see all the these things I guess, but it never really registered until I was in the thick of it.

What I did know is that I needed to guard myself against these things. But, unfortunately I didn’t do a very good job. Coming from the past that I did, it made it difficult to trust people. So, as I began to see my guard slipping and Satan attacking, I gave into what I thought would be an easy (and one time) fix: internet pornography.

Being a single guy, doing ministry all day long with students, no real time for relationships- it seemed like the perfect solution. “So how do you do ministry all day and check out porn in the evenings and still think you’re fit to serve God?” Great question.

I actually didn’t think I was fit to serve God while it was happening. I beat myself up about it. Cried about it. Knew I should stop. Wanted to stop. Hated what I was looking at after the fact. Thought I was a loser who couldn’t get the “real thing.” I was spiraling out of control, but I liked it. It was a like a rush of endorphins when I would open up the search bar. They were all there for the taking. They were all there for me. Or so I thought. If you have never dealt with or struggled in the area of sexual addiction, count yourself amazingly blessed. If you have been a part of it- I hate to break it to you, but it is something that will never leave the confines of your mind… unless you allow God to do a true spiritual cleansing of your heart, mind, and soul.

When God comes in and cleans the Rolodex of images in your mind, enters your heart and fills it completely, and makes your soul whole in ways words cannot express- then you will see change. It took me opening up to a pastor friend a year into ministry and then having a handful of pastors hold me accountable at a beach house in Nags Head for me to truly begin the process.

But I’m glad someone told me- it’s a process. Fighting the battle of sexual addiction is one day at a time with God at the helm. It isn’t cold turkey and you’re good. Anyone who tells you that is full of it. My accountability partners really helped me understand that and it aided me in the healing process.

So, God was doing His thing in my life, I was pushing along in ministry, and then I met her. And so I entered a new chapter in these ol‘ Vans…

  • Jason

    Thanks everyone for the comments. Luke, question… when will Covenant Eyes be available for the iPhone and other mobile devices? I would love to do a post on mobile apps that help guys & gals with this sort of thing.

  • Jason

    Thanks everyone for the comments. Luke, question… when will Covenant Eyes be available for the iPhone and other mobile devices? I would love to do a post on mobile apps that help guys & gals with this sort of thing.

  • Luke Gilkerson

    Thanks for sharing your story. I understand all too well what you go through. As a former campus minister and porn addict, I understand the tension and self-hatred. It was a rough time of my life.Now I’m working for the ministry of Covenant Eyes, helping people to overcome the same temptations.I even got a chance to share my story a bit on Dr. Kevin Skinner’s show.http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/11/12/breaking-free-of-porn-addiction/

  • Luke Gilkerson

    Thanks for sharing your story. I understand all too well what you go through. As a former campus minister and porn addict, I understand the tension and self-hatred. It was a rough time of my life.

    Now I’m working for the ministry of Covenant Eyes, helping people to overcome the same temptations.

    I even got a chance to share my story a bit on Dr. Kevin Skinner’s show.

    http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/11/12/breaking-free-of-porn-addiction/

  • shannon

    Jason and Anonymous – yes, thank you both for your posts. And I hope more are reading than are responding :-) I come from a similar lifestyle and know that you are both totally on point! And that’s just a tip of the brokenness in our world. It is definitely a present danger to everyone, including the church ~ meaning God’s people and not the building ~ and the only way to overcome it is to allow God to do the deep spiritual cleansing of our heart, minds and souls (can also be known as deliverance). The church is not immune to it but I feel the church has a responsibility to do something about it because we have accepted Jesus as our Savior. Thanks for your honesty Jason. Walk confident in Christ. He is using you to fulfill his purpose for this earth!

  • shannon

    Jason and Anonymous – yes, thank you both for your posts. And I hope more are reading than are responding :-) I come from a similar lifestyle and know that you are both totally on point! And that’s just a tip of the brokenness in our world. It is definitely a present danger to everyone, including the church ~ meaning God’s people and not the building ~ and the only way to overcome it is to allow God to do the deep spiritual cleansing of our heart, minds and souls (can also be known as deliverance). The church is not immune to it but I feel the church has a responsibility to do something about it because we have accepted Jesus as our Savior.

    Thanks for your honesty Jason. Walk confident in Christ. He is using you to fulfill his purpose for this earth!

  • Anonymous

    Jason – Thank you for being honest about the struggles of sex addiction, it is a real problem, in a real world that is dominated by the flesh. I am reminded of a Barna poll that states that 3 out of 10 men have masterbated in the last week and 7 out of 10 have viewed porn in that same time frame. And since we are talking about sexual brokenness, it also pointed out that 1 in 3 women in the church have had an abortion. These are staggering numbers. To further illustrate these points, the rates within the church (in America) mirror the rates outside of the church. We still divorce at the same rate (50%) and still go bankrupt and still commit adultery at the same staggering rates. The church today, and I am speaking specifically to the body, needs to know that this is a real and present danger to everyone.Great post… Thanks for being honest.

  • Anonymous

    Jason –

    Thank you for being honest about the struggles of sex addiction, it is a real problem, in a real world that is dominated by the flesh. I am reminded of a Barna poll that states that 3 out of 10 men have masterbated in the last week and 7 out of 10 have viewed porn in that same time frame. And since we are talking about sexual brokenness, it also pointed out that 1 in 3 women in the church have had an abortion. These are staggering numbers. To further illustrate these points, the rates within the church (in America) mirror the rates outside of the church. We still divorce at the same rate (50%) and still go bankrupt and still commit adultery at the same staggering rates. The church today, and I am speaking specifically to the body, needs to know that this is a real and present danger to everyone.

    Great post… Thanks for being honest.